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QUICK TAKES UNDER THE CIRCUS ISRAEL BIG-TOP

Rahm Emanuel, Barack Obama’s new Chief of Staff, told Israel’s Channel 2 today that he would closely monitor the American President-Elect’s conduct toward Israel. “I take no chances when it comes to Israel’s security,” Emmanuel said. “I’m not saying he’s a Muslim extremist, but I can’t rule it out. He better behave himself.” Emanuel warned that he reserves all military options and would not hesitate to strike Obama’s living quarters if reliable intelligence suggested anti-Israeli terror was imminent.

Current Defense Minister, former Prime Minister, exquisitely decorated warrior and relentless masturbator Ehud Barak declared that Israel had effectively reduced the nation’s carbon footprint by withholding fuel for Gaza’s only electric power plant. “Everyone has to sacrifice if we’re going to reduce global warming,” said Barak. “They burn diesel in Gaza like there’s no tomorrow.” Barak added that he’ll request a carbon credit from the European Climate Exchange each time Israel squeezes Gaza’s power supply. The diaspora-based Green Zionist Alliance called Barak’s eco-awareness “the best thing since the World Zionist Congress switched to recycled paper.” However, world-class physician, Knesset member and frenzied masturbator Aryeh Eldad labeled Barak a “judenrat” for partially restoring Gaza’s fuel supply. “Israel’s carbon footprint belongs on an Arab’s neck,” he said.

As Israelis ponder the impact of Barak Obama’s impending presidency on the Jewish State, Israeli Finance Minister Ronny Bar-On proposed concrete measures for assuring a continued flow of American financial aid. “We’ll become a hedge fund or an automaker, whatever it takes. The point is, we’re too big to fail. Or too Jewish.”

Philanthropist Yardena Ovadia’s reknowned “Second Chance” program for despotic crackpots has successfully brokered the sale of $100-million in military hardware and training to President-For-As-Long-As He-Wants Teodoro Obiang of Equatorial Guinea. Through Second Chance, Ovadia has reached out to scorned strongmen around the world, providing fresh firepower and the opportunity to use it responsibly. In the case of Obiang, Ovadia said, the “scared little boy inside” simply needed a demonstration of trust from a mature arms dealer. “The president loves Israel, but Israel doesn’t return that love.” From the sale of crowd control equipment to Zimbabwe’s Robert Mugabe to the arming of Mikheil Saakashvili’s Republic of Georgia, Second Chance has repeatedly stepped into the “love void” Ovadia decries. Second Chance has earned the support of scores of Israeli military officers, who have contributed their own time and expertise to deal directly with regimes in need of nurture. Remarked one retired general, “when you see the smile on a dictator’s face as he uncrates a new shoulder-fired missile launcher, it makes it all worth the effort.”